The Sweetest Poison
You’re in a long, red dress, arms around him, looking into his eyes, and suddenly, everything around turns pitch black. There’s you, there’s him and there’s darkness. That is when you realize that you want to laugh on your happiest days, with him, and cry on your worst days, with him. That’s when you know, you want to slow dance with him at the kitchen counter for absolutely no reason. You want to ditch parties just so you can drink wine at home, together. You want to sleep on his shoulders, even when you’re not sleepy. You just want to be with him, without a reason, without an excuse.
It all works out like miracles. The best few months of your life, the feeling of living on the 9th cloud. Feelings, however, can be fleeting. Metaphorically, it’s a rollercoaster of emotions. Every time its high up in the sky, euphoria and anxiety prevail. You’re trying to cherish that rise but no sooner you find yourself already worrying about the blue days that are yet to come, the fall that is bound to happen.
Consistency is imperative. He loves you one day and doesn’t bother the next day. He gives you time one night and leaves you alone the next night. Sitting on your bed, lights off, you look at your window. Through the little space between your curtains, you stare right at the moon; the only ray of light amongst this darkness building inside of you. Your friends are asleep, he’s too busy, and your thumb has already scrolled kilometers through your Instagram feed. Well, insomnia sprinkled over your pain has this really romantic way of making the moon feel like your only company at night.
You know he loves you, but you know he doesn’t make time to show it. You know he loves you, but you know he sets the thought of you, aside. You know he loves you, for sure, but you know that just love, can never be enough.
You could get pissed at him all you want- he could fail you, you could yell, he could hurt you, you could cry, he could do anything, but a part of you will still love him, even though your feelings or your actions at that time, may guide you otherwise. This may sound paradoxical, but it’s true, because all these things have no meaning in comparison to what he means to you. However, these cracks, you keep filling them. You keep filling them with your love, until it’s over.
You want to make him better, and you do, but soon you find you’re the only one still putting efforts into that aspect. You see him acting juvenile, repressing his problems with video games and Netflix and video calls and what not, trying to push away the problem and somewhere, pushing away you too because he knows, he knows you want him to solve the problem. You want to make him better. It’s loving them more than they love themselves. Caring for him then becomes as involuntary as a beating heart.
You always give more than what you receive, you always forgive, and accept the love you get, even though you know you deserve better. When he’s not treating you right, no matter how much you feel for each other, you will have to walk away, because your self-respect has got to be stronger than your feelings. If you can’t make him act right, make him wish he did.
Break ups hurt, a whole lot, but losing someone who couldn’t make time for you and couldn’t manage to keep you happy, is a gain babe, not a loss. Elevation needs separation.
Although, the second it’s over, all you can think of is the stuff that made you fall in love. Blazing through your mind, this rom-com montage of the sweetest poison.
But hun, Love is not scarce.